My name is Julie. I am twelve years old and I identify as a child. I’m sure you have not missed that there is a lot of talk these days about identity, and there are so many things that people can identify as. Well, I have thought a lot about it, and I realized that I identify as a child. Now that I know what my identity is, what is soon coming upon me is terrifying, because I know that my body will start to betray me. The Change has already happened to some of my friends. Children are playful, spontaneous and active. We children love our imaginations and we go where it leads us. We can be princesses in an enchanted palace and in the next moment become a famous singer. Our bodies are usually thin and sleek, which supports our active natures. We care less about how we look and more about all there is to see and discover.
So what is happening to my friends? They are becoming something else. Their bodies are filling out and developing new curves and their attitudes are becoming heavier as well. Life is not about fun for them any more–it’s about getting the attention of boys, impressing other people and “how can I make some money?” All these more grown up pursuits are causing them to use their imaginations less and their worry-minds more. They are becoming irritable and their moods change from moment to moment. It is becoming the “in thing” to crinkle the brow and roll the eyes, and smiling is not cool any more.
My friends who are changing are coming to live in a different world. I live in the world of now; they keep on fretting about what will happen in the future. These friends are choosing a whole new wardrobe: fancy clothes, interesting piercings, styled hair and makeup. (All the while, trying to hide it from their parents, when going out). Few are actually dating yet, but it is on their minds and they endlessly talk about which boy is most desirable. This is not what we have always been! Our motto was “Clothes that can get dirty!” and mud was often part of our decoration, as we explored the woods and splashed through the streams.
I know what is happening. I know that my days are numbered if something is not done. I know that if things just continue to go along in my body, then soon enough the “way of women” will be upon me and I AM NOT A WOMAN! I am a child. That is my identity. And if something is not done then my body will betray me.
I have heard much talk about puberty blockers. I know what they can do. I know what will happen if I don’t receive them. My body will betray what I am inside. This is not fair! I am a child. The doctors have got to help me, so my body will remain the same as who I am in my mind!
*****
My name is Max and I am 56 years old. My sexual orientation is towards young women. I know what you’re saying. You have never heard of such a sexual orientation. But who are you to tell me what my sexual orientation is. There are heterosexuals, homosexuals, lesbians, bi-, poly-, asexual, questioning, “+”, men who like trans men, men who like trans women, etc., etc., etc. Each person is unique, and who are you to judge an orientation? In fact, my type of orientation is actually extremely common.
Think about it, men. Who were you attracted to when you were teens–young women, right? And as you grew into young adulthood, wasn’t it young women yet again. How many 25 years olds are going after women who are 40 or 50?
Unfortunately, the oppressive cultural expectations of our society taught me that it was a noble thing to commit to one woman, marry her and stick with her. And when I was young, I believed that this was the “right thing to do.” It was fine when I was 26 and she was 23. She was hot and we were so into each other. But then years passed, and babies and stress and wrinkles and gray hair and life happened. And now she is 53 and she does not look like she did 30 years ago. I am not as turned on by her as women in their 20’s or 30’s. Sure, I could kind of force myself to keep going in this relationship, try to kindle some attraction for her. But it’s fake. It’s not true to what I am. Am I expected to live a lie and never find true happiness again?
How was I to know that my sexual orientation was only for young women? Why aren't there more people out there teaching the truth? That most of us guys are much more turned on by young women and that marriage and commitment and that whole act traps us with someone who can only fulfill us for a limited time. Look, it’s not my fault. It’s just the way my brain was wired. I was born that way. Didn’t evolution program me to seek out the most attractive (young, fit, curvy) women to pass my genes onto, so they will have healthy, attractive children for me? (Of course, I’m not looking to have more kids. Been there. Done that. But, still, I’m programmed to like a certain appearance.)
Don’t look at me that way. What? Are you horrified because I am telling the truth—the truth that lots of guys feel. To hell with your expectations, judgments and morality! I’m not going to live this lie anymore!
*****
Do you find the scenarios above to be troubling? I believe most people would. So let me ask you a simple question–Why? What is wrong with Julie’s and Max’s beliefs?
What Julie and Max are missing, to put it simply, is that there is more to life than just getting what you want. In fact, generally, the path to getting most important things in life involves putting up with some things that you might find uncomfortable, unpleasant or even aversive. Julie wants to be a child forever. I can understand that. There is a beauty, spontaneity and innocence in childhood that is unique in the phases of life. Nonetheless, what she is overlooking is that growth is an essential part of being human and that such growth includes growing into adulthood with all of its challenges, opportunities and responsibilities. She may not realize it now, but the truth is, if we let her continue on her path of being the eternal child, then she will miss much of what life is all about.
Max is not feeling it for his wife anymore. He has now identified his love object(s) and defies us to guilt him out of pursuing it/them. But what poor Max does not realize is that guilt is not the only problem here. There exists another limitation that it will be much harder for him to avoid, which is death. In fact, it has been observed that a common reason for men’s “mid-life crises,” when they ditch their wives for a young trophy bride and buy a red Ferrari (if they can overcome another great limiter, which is money), is that they too, want to feel forever young, particularly as the jaws of death loom larger on their horizon.
The tragedy in Max’s choice, which is constantly replayed all around us today, is that he is responding to a life challenge by regressing, rather than growing. The challenge he faces is that when he looks in the mirror or feels the aches in his joints, he realizes that he is not as young as he used to be. Add to that the death of a friend, illnesses of his parents, etc., and it is becoming increasingly difficult to overlook the thought of his own mortality. So what does he do with this? He could deepen his understanding of himself and what he is doing in this world. He could say to himself, “Well, my wife is no longer young, but then again, I’m not either. Maybe there is a better life in keeping commitments, not abandoning the one who has stood by my side all these years and in us remaining the common connection point for the children. In fact, maybe there is something about love and attraction that I have yet to learn. Maybe if I endure my discomfort with my wife’s aging features, I can learn that I have been investing in the temporal and unaware of the timeless. Maybe I can discover a love that is a coming together of hearts, rather than just seeking satisfaction for my senses.”
*****
The world is awash in rhetoric about gender and sexual orientation. Among all these messages, what is politics, what is polemic, what is truth? I believe Julie and Max can help us sort through these questions.
What are the messages that we hear? We are told that gender identity and sexual orientation are completely individual and should not be governed by any norms, social or biological. Further, we are told that people are the way they are and that social norms can do nothing more than distort that. Let us apply such thinking to Julie and Max.
Some might argue that poor Julie is just confused and not dealing with a gender identity question at all. But comparing her to many gender questioning youth today is actually quite apt. What about all of the gender questioning kids who want to block their own puberty but who don’t really want to go through the full transition to look like an adult version of either gender? What about all the non-binaries? What is the message in these people's choices? Could it be, at least for many of such people, that secondary sexual characteristics are indeed indicators of the maturation process, which is thrusting them into a new status that they find confusing and feel ill-prepared for? So many of these kids' social worlds have been built on safe digital platforms. The prospect of a mature physical relationship is particularly overwhelming for so many of them, especially because many have been inducted into sexual awareness through violent and degrading porn videos viewed online.
So should we “affirm” Julie’s identity or should we be a little less accommodating? Should we have empathy for her anticipatory nostalgia about the passing of childhood, while, at the same time, showing her that we believe in her strength and we believe she is up to the challenge of growing along with her changing body. Do we save her from her dysphoria or do we help her see that a life without discomfort will be a life not lived at all? And do we celebrate Max choosing the form of “love” that is “truly genuine” for him. Or do we withhold this celebration, because we realize that fulfillment, sexual or otherwise, does not just arise from following ones desires wherever they lead, and that sexually or otherwise, we all face choices. Do we challenge one of the most basic assumptions made in much of the popular press–that sexual orientation is always fixed and unmalleable and that it is unreasonable and oppressive to suggest that someone try to channel it in certain advantageous directions?
I know that many might say that my arguments ignore science and reason, that sexual orientation and gender identify are brain-based, in-born and fixed characteristics. A proper discussion of the research on this topic is beyond the scope of this present article. I do think that there is much to question in the objectivity of this line of research and the soundness of its findings. But let us grant, for arguments sake, that the lifelong trans or gay person is describing an immutable characteristic. Then let my argument bypass them, whom I offer only respect and compassion and the wish that they find a life of meaning, happiness and growth. What about all those kids in the middle, who, now from preschool, are encouraged to “explore” their gender identity and attractions and who really could go either way in their life course? My points go to them. I am fully willing to engage in a debate about whether traditional gender and sexual orientation norms are a good or bad thing. But to do this, we need to make room for the debate. At this pivotal moment in history, fundamental assumptions that have been the cornerstone of western civilization are being challenged and overturned. Before throwing out this bathwater, let us consider what we are throwing out and if there is a baby in it. Let us consider what we might be losing in this great social experiment. But we can’t even consider this question at all if we hold onto the assumption that biology is destiny.
Is biology destiny? Is a person who has a genetic loading of depression or alcoholism doomed to slip down these slopes? Is a person who is genetically prone to violence able to resist? Is Max preprogrammed to act on his irresistible mid-life crisis? And is our choice of sexual partner or gender expression always imprinted before birth? I think we are more controlled by our “scientific” beliefs than our biology and never more than now.
© 2022 Michael Milgraum
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